Monday, April 21, 2014

16 Terrible Pirate Jokes

Arrr these the BEST pirate jokes? Or the worst?

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

Q: What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer?
A: Shiver me timbers!

 So, there's this pirate ship in the midst of a long voyage. The men have grown terribly bored. A pirate amongst them happens to know a bunch of magic tricks, and he decides to put on a magic show. His parrot, however, is quite gossipy and can't keep it's mouth shut
The pirate begins his first trick, and the parrot gives it away by saying "rawwk, the coin is in the other hand, rawwk!"

Frustrated, the pirate tries another trick, but again, the parrot gives it away by blurting out "rawwk, look under the table, rawwk!"

This goes on for some time, to a point that the pirate can't manage to perform anything spectacular to entertain the crew. His anger towards his blabbermouth parrot eventually grows so phenomenal that one night he gets very drunk and accidentally crashes the ship into some rocks.

Sobering up the next morning, he finds himself adrift on some wreckage. The parrot, ever the attentive sidekick, happens to land next to him looking quite puzzled. It says to him:

"Rawwk, Okay, I give up, What'd ya do with the boat?"

Q: What do Jewish Pirates say?
A: Ahoy vey!
Q: Why did the pirate buy an eyepatch?
A: Because he didn't have enough money for an iPad!!!

Pirates get a bad rep. They're not all bad.Granted, they're not saints, but many have been cannonized!!

Q: How do pirates pay for a round o' rum down at the pub?
A: With Bar-Nickels!

Q: What is a pirate's favorite element?
A: Aye. Ye might say aarrrrgon, but no, it's the element of surprise!

As a child, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.

Q: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
A: You think it's the RRRRR, but it's the C that they're in love with!

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances
The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat!"

They say that pirates are real tough. So tough, that they don't ever cry! But...
That's not true. They do cry, but when they do, it's a private tear!

Q: What happened when Bluebeard the Pirate fell into the Red Sea?
A: He got Marooned!

Q: What do you call a stupid pirate?
A: The pillage idiot!

Did you know 3.14% of Sailors are Pi Rates? 

A pirate had a parrot that wouldn't stop swearing. He tried everything. Finally one day, when the parrot started swearing, he threw it into the freezer and left it there for over an hour.

Finally, the pirate retrieved his parrot from the freezer. The parrot came out, shaken, and said "I promise, I'll be good from now on. But, I have just one question... What did the turkey do?????"

I hope you enjoyed the jokes. Now where did I put my keys? Oh, that's right. I left them off the coast of Florida.